Black and White

I grew up as a very black and white person. I would come into situations essentially thinking well it either has to be this or it has to be that. There was no in between. I think a lot of us who are very black and white in our thinking are that way until we have to face some pretty tough grey areas….

I grew up in a very spiritual home. Divorce was not an option unless for biblical reason, homosexuality was on all levels not right, suicide meant you went to hell, and so on and so on. Everything was extremely black and white. Until my parents got divorced, my brother came out about his sexuality, my father took his life, and I struggled with mental illness and awful PPD along with many other things…. I got a front row seat to situations that were no longer black and white but an insane amount of grey. The crazy thing is, all of it has actually brought me closer to God. I’ve come to realize more than ever that not all things are going to be black and white, not all things can be solved or fixed, and just because something didn’t go how you thought it was supposed to, certainly does not mean it is wrong.

Some things are so hard for me to wrap my head around. I listen to people talk who know nothing about me or situations I have been through and think what a blessing and a cure their naivety is. Although there are obviously many things I have yet to endure or may never experience, I pray that I live a life that honors God and demonstrates love and compassion.

You never know what someone is going through or has has to endure. This is a reminder to not only be gentle with yourself but be gentle with others.

My soul has felt so heavy lately. I am happy, I have a beautiful life, I am blessed beyond measure but sometimes I just can’t shake the heaviness that I carry. Maybe it is something I will always carry. Maybe the fact that I am so introspective, emotional, and deeply affected by the world around me is what makes me so beautiful as a human being. What may seem like a flaw to you can be a blessing to this world. Each and every one of us were designed for something bigger than we can ever comprehend…..

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