Here goes nothing

For months and months my therapist has been trying to get me to go to group therapy. I’ve come up with a million and one reasons with why I would not be able to attend when in reality I was just not making it a priority.

I legit would picture group therapy in movies where to me it just seemed super weird and definitely not very beneficial (my perception). I also thought, why would I go to group therapy?! I’m not nuts, I don’t need to sit around with a bunch of other people wallowing about stupid things. People who I could certainly have NOTHING in common with right? What would people think if they saw me going to it, or God forbid I know someone there. They will literally think I’m off my rocker. I will have to find childcare for that hour and a half which would most likely be my mother in law and then she will for sure think I’m nuts.

For the 3rd time my therapist brought it up but this time it was more of a “here’s your binder, this is what they will be covering, or starts in 2 weeks, see you there”. It’s like she knew that I literally needed someone to force me to go. Of course she knew.

As hard as it is and vulnerable as it is to put out in the universe that I, Kathleen, am going to be attending group therapy, I know it’s something that I need to talk about. I boast transparency yet I didn’t even want to tell some of my closest friends that i would be starting group therapy. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely still feel like this is a little nuts. I know I sound incredibly judgmental and closed off to the idea but I am and I’m trying to work on the whole transparency thing. I’m definitely becoming more open to it now that I have to actually go, work through a workbook, and track progress of myself and others over the next 8 weeks.

So I decided to journal the process here. Each week I will write about myself and only myself. I will obviously not disclose where and what the group is as for the privacy of others but it does have to do with mental health and managing things like anxiety and depression along with a myriad of other things. I will strictly be talking about MY personal journey with this in hopes to help others going through similar things not feel so isolated or posting even encourage someone to do something they absolutely do not want to do.

This is essentially my pre-group entry. I stayed up late last night filling out forms that had to do with anything from my mood and just daily life.

I read 3 chapters out of this big workbook and did the “activities” at the end of each. If I’m going to actually do this then I’m going to actually do it. There’s no point in half assing these next couple months. I’m surely not going to waste my time or others, so I guess this is it. Time to see if I can face some of my biggest fears head on, stop letting these things control my life so much, and try to work on being the best version of me so I can serve God and his kingdom to the fullest. Am I super nervous? Definitely. Am I still a little weirded out? You bet. Am I still worried what others will think? Yes, yes I am. But at some point I just need to get over myself and start living. So here’s to not just talking and actually doing. Hopefully someone will find this beneficial but if not I’m more than ok with this essentially being a journal to look back on my growth. Here’s to living because my father couldn’t. Here’s to not letting mental illness control my life.

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