I haven’t posted on here for a while. The crazy thing is i think about this blog everyday. I used it essentially as a journal throughout much of the year and then I just stopped. I think partially it was about where I was at in my process of healing. I had to step away from dwelling on every little thing, especially regarding my father.
I have felt such a stirring from the Holy Spirit in the past few months. More than I think I’ve ever felt before. Like I was designed for something so much bigger. I’ve also felt like God has been urging me to be patient. That is something so extremely difficult for me. I’m in a season of life where my business really started to take off but I also have a small child that needs her mom present. Finding balance has been near impossible but you make it work.
Tonight I’m just going to get anything and everything off my chest that has been weighing me down so heavily. Judge or not. It’s not going to effect me the way things use to so easily.
“I haven’t always liked being a mom, but I love my daughter more than I have ever loved anything in my whole entire life”
This one is hard for me to swallow. Who the hell wants to admit they don’t always like being a mom?! I do maybe it was the postpartum depression coupled with being young, having unrealistic expectations for myself, along with the lose of my father, and severely struggling to find balance all in the first year of my daughter’s life. But guess what? I love her, and I feel like day by day things are becoming more and more natural. It makes me sick to even admit that because some people would KILL to be a mother. I don’t know what it is. Being a mom has made me a better human being, has changed me in more ways than I can even begin to explain, and has drawn me in even closer to God. But there are just some days i find my mind drifting off thinking about the days when I wasn’t a mother. I feel like I sound like a complete monster but I know someone else has not feel this way. Please know I love my daughter more than you could possibly imagine but I think mental health plays an extreme role. I want you to know it’s ok to not always like being a mom. You love your babies, you do your best always and that’s all anyone can ask from you. I’m sure she will grow up and not always “like” having me as a mom but I know she will always love me.
“I’m terrified to be 100% vulnerable to people in person”
I can be myself, spill my guts, be honest as hell on a platform like this but when I get in front of someone it’s like I freeze up. I’m working on this though, the whole emotional intimacy. I think confidence plays a huge role too. It’s a daily struggle for me but day by day I feel like I’m chipping away at this wall I’ve built up for so long and learning that being me is the way God intended me to live my life because he designed me in such a unique way that I would be doing him and everyone around me a disservice not being me. God designed you so uniquely too, embrace that. I’ve waisted years of my life trying to conform. That is the past and I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to embrace how my creator designed me.
“I have spent months feeling so completely lost and anxious about my future”
There are days where I’m so sure of myself, no one could stop me. But more often than not lately I have found myself comparing myself to everyone about everything. I need to just stay in my lane. Focus on being the best I can be and realize that this is not a race. Life is not about hitting milestones when others do. It’s about doing what you can with what you have in the moment to glorify God. Whether it be that you are a stay at home mom, have a huge successful career, or you are currently flipping burgers. You CANNOT compare where you are at now to other’s now. You will get sucked into a black whole that is near impossible to dig your way out. You are right where you are supposed to be. I am and so are you.
I could go on and on and on about a billion thing but my point is, we all deal with junk. It’s how you shift your perception of what is going on in life that will transform your way of thinking and take you on a path to experiencing the blessings God wants to pour into your life verses missing out on these beautiful things because you have your head stuck in a gutter or anxiety and lies.
The devil wants you to be preoccupied with the meaningless. The devil wants me to be hyper focused on on these stupid little things because it takes times away from doing what I should be doing and using situations to glorify God.
If you are in a rut right now, if you are in a valley, please realize this is a season that God is using to rearrange the pieces so that you are prepared for what he has in store for you. So let this mold you, let this shape you, let these things that are weighing you down go, get them off your chest, break free from the chains. God wants you to be happy. He wants you to experience all the beautiful things in life but every day is not going to be beautiful ok? We live in a fallen world. We live in a world full of sin but guys common we also have the Holy Spirit within us and through him anything is possible. You’ve got this. I’ve got this.
If you’ve made it this far, please know that no matter what you are going through that you are enough and you are so very loved and so very needed in this world to be you and make an impact by being the you that God designed for a special purpose and plan no matter how huge or how small it may seem.