I did everything but grieve in a healthy way. I canceled therapy appointments because I didn’t want to tell her what happened and ignored this whole grieving process. I acted like I was fine. I kept my dad’s cell phone near at all times. I would sit in my car after dropping my daughter off at daycare and break down in a panic. I couldn’t handle noise like music because my own racing thoughts were so loud.
I’m so thankful for family because I just wasn’t able to be a parent, wife, employee, business owner, and handle what I was going through. This was Years a stuff completely built up with my dad and I was hurt, angry, confused…I was all over the place. Each day brought a new set of challenges.
After struggling with severe insomnia, anxiety, and bouts of depression, I decided to get back to church. Two Sunday’s in a guy came up on stage to share his testimony about his nephew committing suicide after his daughter was born and how much of a wreck he was as well. After hearing the full testimony I knew I needed to truly face things head on. Give this to the Lord, and do the work i needed to, to work through this. I called my therapist the next day and set up and appointment. She also being a believer has helped me through so much and though it has NOT been easy, I feel like I’ve truly started to work through things in a healthy way and I’m in a place where all of the bad does not consume me. It’s still hard but I’m not drowning, I wouldn’t even say I’m treading. I’m at least taking those strokes and some days they may be weaker than others and some days I need a break, but I’m moving forward and that is what matters. I miss my dad like crazy and I still have times where I just don’t believe it is true. I don’t believe he is gone. But he is, and this is my reality now. I need to face it and try to do some good with something tragic….