For the sake of privacy I will not be sharing my daughters name but I will be using her initials.
On the coldest day of the year after an extremely long my labor, EJ was born. Shit got real, fast.
I was exhausted and terrified and trying to juggle the anxiety of being a new parent, sleep deprivation, learning to breastfeed etc. Our lives had completely changed and we had no clue what we were in for.
She was perfect. The very moment they laid her tiny little body on my chest, I knew she was the most perfect thing that had ever happened to me.
Once we got home and settled in, I came to realize very quickly that I bit off more than could chew. I was PARANOID. all I could think about was SIDS, was she getting enough to eat, was she breathing?!? I was petrified that something would happen to her. I would Lay awake and just listen to her breath. I drove myself insane. I could have slept. My mom and mother in law would come over and watch her to let my husband and I catch some sleep, but i just couldn’t. I was terrified something would happen. Not to mention my hormones, healing, breastfeeding, etc. MY CUP WAS FULL.
I wish I would have been more open about it but they slowly became some of the darkest days of my life. I truly felt my husband and daughter would be better off without me. I didn’t feel like I could be a good enough mom. I was starting to get more and more depressed. I would get panic attacks daily from constant worrying. I let other people’s opinions effect me way more than they should have. I never felt like I was doing enough or doing things right. I had no confidence in my skills as a parent. I completely tore myself of apart until there was nothing left.
I was dealing with PPD and PPA. I felt like from the time she was born to about 6/7 months old is just a complete blur. I was just trying to survive. To others I was calm and collected, pretending to be a complete rockstar at this new role in my life and somewhat acting like motherhood was complete bliss. I say “somewhat” because people close to me knew that was far from the truth for me. I was distancing myself from my father because i was dealing with so much in my own world that I couldn’t carry someone else’s “stuff” at the same time.
I don’t even know how to explain the emotions I went through. I can’t even find words. I just remember crying a lot of the time either by myself, to my husband, or to my mom thinking what have I done? I have brought this perfect human into the world and I can’t even keep it together enough to care for her the way she deserves (so I thought). On top of all this I was extremely worried about my father and how he was doing emotionally. It was just a really scary, low point in my life.
I finally reached out to my midwife somewhere in there and got the help that I needed. I was on a more consistent schedule, I was getting a little more sleep, eating healthier, working with a trainer to get physically healthier to help boost my mood and on supplements to help as well. Things were truly beginning to look up and I felt like I was as finally starting to truly enjoy my role as a mother and get out of this scary place I had been in that no one but a few close people even knew about…