We were dating for a little over a year and a half when he proposed (I promise this is all leading to something).
I’m not saying our relationship was always blissful and perfect (there was one time when we almost broke up, like we were legit trying to figure out a plan for visitation for our dogs haha) but we pushed through and like any good relationship we used those obstacles to make our relationship even stronger. He was and is my person. I swear he was created in his mother’s womb by God specifically for me. We just work. We are a great team.
I was still very broken though. In the beginning I felt very close to his family. I felt accepted and like I was truly part of a real family. Not that mine wasn’t real but mine was scattered across the United States dealing with their own stuff at the time. It was just nice to sit down for family meals and be around people who fought with their siblings about trivial things and watch movies together.
Things took a turn the worse when we got engaged and it may have just been my perception. I no longer felt accepted. I took e writhing so personally, I truly felt like his parents and siblings thought he was making a huge mistake marrying me. I wasn’t confident in myself and I let it get to me majorly. It was eating at me like crazy. My anxiety was through the roof during wedding planning and it took a major toll on our relationship because I took a lot of it out on my husband. I gave to much power to others and what I perceived of how they viewed me. It shouldn’t have mattered.
Not to mention I live next door to my in laws so that’s a whole other wrench in the story. Please don’t get me wrong. They are very good people and when I have truly needed them they have always been there but the relationship has been rocky.
At the same time I was dealing with this I was also dealing with all the stuff going on with my dad and his depression, bipolar, etc. He was going back and forth a lot about being at the wedding and deep down I knew it probably was not going to happen. A time that should have been so enjoyable, full of love, full of fun planning, and family time, turned out to be an extremely dark period for me.
I want to say part of this because a lot of young women feel like when they meet the right man and get married everything is just complete bliss from then on. I’m here to say that I married the man of my dreams but still had all my issues to still deal with. He didn’t complete me. He’s not meant to complete me. Only God can fill the voids that I was feeling. But it was sure nice to have the best teammate and partner to do this thing called life with.
We ended up moving our wedding up because I couldn’t handle the thought of having hundreds of people in a room, that I barely knew, on one of the biggest days of my life while dealing with the sadness of not having my father there and not to mention my complete social anxiety too. We decided we wanted a more intimate wedding and that it should be more about us than anyone else and this was a huge relief for me. We moved the wedding up a whole year. Invited about 90 people, had a small ceremony, and an amazing and intimate reception at one of our favorite restaurants in town on a beautiful rainy Tuesday. Yes we got married on a Tuesday haha. We definitely did not have a typical conventional wedding. I also LOVE rain. So it was absolutely perfect. I’ll include a photo in here from that day as well.
I say this all and add in this whole part about my relationship and marriage to show that just because you have a great little family and an amazing partner in your life, does not just make your problems disappear and especially did not make my anxiety go away. You need to lean into your faith and really be committed to working through some tough things to get to a better place whether that is with a therapist, someone in your church, a mentor, etc.
I was not ready to put in the work though. I was not consistent and I used avoidance big time. I wasn’t ready to face my demons…