Exhale

I’ve finally had a moment to exhale today. Sometimes I stay so busy just trying to drown everything out, but it’s exhausting. Tomorrow will be 4 months since my father took his life. 4 months of questions, no answers, heartache, guilt, grief. It’s also been 4 months of molding, shaping, realizing how strong I actually am, and realizing that I may not have answers right now, I may not know what the bigger plan is, but my Heavenly Father does. As I lay here next to my daughter watching her peaceful and oh so sweet face as she sleeps without a care in the world. Oh how I would love to protect her from some of the awful things in the world. I’m starting to realize one of the biggest lessons as a parent is learning to give it to God. This whole parenting thing is teaching me so much about life. Some things are just out of my control and I have to learn to be ok with it, but it’s hard. This is life right now. No sugar coating. It’s beautiful and it’s HARD. I’m exhausted but I’m so so so thankful. I miss my dad everyday. I know he is no longer suffering but I wish it did not have to mean he would miss out on his granddaughter, huge milestones, more memories…… but it’s out of my control and I need to keep pushing forward.

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