I’m not going to lie, it was super tough this year. I had a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me was so heartbroken that it was the first big holiday that my father was not alive for. This was also the first holiday in a long long time that I have been able to exhale knowing my father was finally at peace. Does that make it any easier? Of course not. Am I dreading Christmas even more? Of course.
I live everyday with an immense amount of guilt. It is overwhelming. I’m trying to take steps toward healing, but this is going to be a long road. I finally asked my mom for some of my father’s belongings that she has kept at her place since we got back from NC upon my request. I️ laid everything in the bag out on my guest room bed. A coaster he’s had since I can even remember with a lighthouse on it, stockings I made him from the last 3 christmases, a picture frame I sent him that says around the border “the best dads get promoted to grandpa”, a few pocket knives, and 3 of his favorite watches. One of them he’s had since I can remember. His wallet. A crumpled up piece of paper with a babe, phone number, and a date (2 days after he died) to meet someone. I don’t know who that person is, maybe it’s someone who could have helped, but I guess I’ll never know. I don’t know what I expected after my father died but in a way I expected to feel him, sense him, anything. I have felt nothing. I don’t sense him. I probably don’t because I’ve avoided looking through any of his stuff, turning on his laptop, going through pictures. I’ve avoided everything. Maybe I think it will mean he’s not actually gone if I don’t deal with it. I️ think I’m ready though. If you know someone who is going through a dark time. Please please don’t wait until it’s too late.