Your grace abounds in deepest waters…

I work as freelance makeup artist for one of my jobs and yesterday I had a wedding. I watched as the bride did a first look with her father. What a sweet sweet moment. It was beautiful. It also left me completely heartbroken. 
One minute I’ll be completely fine and the next minute it’s like I will remember he is actually gone. I’ll go to pick up my phone to call him but I will realize I can’t. I’ve struggled with panic attacks, sleepless nights, and constant guilt and heartache. I’ll spend hours going through his phone and our messages to each other. As the world keeps going for everyone else, it feels like mind is frozen in time. 
Every year I would make my father a homemade Christmas stocking and fill it with goodies, decorate it and label it “Dad”. I am always so excited for the holidays, but this year will be different. It’s so bittersweet now that I have a little family of my own. I should be enjoying my daughters firsts. I know I will, but in the back of my mind I will be grieving knowing my father is no longer here. 
Everyone commends me for handling everything so well but I feel like I’m not. I have this pit in my stomach 24/7, feel nauseous all day long, and am DESPERATE to turn back time. 
Everything reminds me of him. Right now the waves are crashing hard. I feel like I’m in a tsunami of emotions. I know God has his hand on all of this and I know he has a greater plan than I can even imagine. I have talked about selling some of my father’s artwork and donating the proceeds for organizations helping those living with mental illness. I have many other projects rolling around in my head that I know will happen. 
The waves will settle, the storm will calm, but my heart will never heal. 

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