I should have checked in…

For about 2 months leading up to my fathers death I checked in with him daily. Even if it was just to say hi, I love you and I’m thinking about you. We would Skype at least once a week so that he could see and interact with my daughter and he would check in with me to let me know how his doctor appointments were going. Mental healthcare is almost non existent where he was in the mountains. His case was so complex, looking back now I just don’t think they knew how to handle it properly (that’s another story). I could tell things were getting worse but I didn’t realize it was THIS bad. My father was extremely good at hiding it. There was so much going on that I could not see over the phone. The week before my father died, I was extremely busy. Working 2 jobs, caring for my daughter, preparing to start a 3rd project with a news station and had a huge wedding coming up that weekend (I am a freelance makeup artist and work at a local large hospital part time). I was juggling so much that week, getting extremely little sleep, and just kept putting off checking in with my dad. I thought maybe he was busy with work because he hadn’t gotten a hold of me and I saw he was still posting pictures on Instagram so I knew (thought) everything was fine. 
Worrying about my father was literally a full time job. I cared about him so much and just wanted to see him get better. That week I just needed to take some “time off” of worrying to focus on making sure I could juggle all the things in my personal life as well. Oh how I wish I could go back to that week. That Saturday (the 23rd of September) I had gotten home that afternoon and sent him a message asking how he was doing and letting him know how sorry I was for not keeping in touch much that week but I had so much going on. By Sunday evening he had still not read the message (the message is now marked read as I now have possession of his phone). I started to get worried, but for some reason thought I would give it another day. Why why why. Why did I want to give it another day. What was wrong with me. 
Monday after I got home from my morning shift at the news station I was sitting on the couch with my husband saying that I’m really worried about my father. I tried calling him multiple times and there was nothing. About a half hour later is when I got the call from the police officer that he had found my father dead in his home. The fact that I did not check in with him that week will haunt me the rest of my life…..

2 thoughts on “I should have checked in…

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