The Battle for Sanity

I am in a perpetual battle for my mind.  Over the past few months I have transitioned from being deeply depressed to a state of mania.  It is overwhelming most of time; paranoia, racing thoughts, hearing, and seeing things that likely don’t exist, consume my life.

I’m not afraid of dying.  I know what happens to me when I die.  Its living I fear.

One night about 10 years ago, I overdosed. I didn’t set out to hurt myself; all I wanted to do was stop what was going on in my mind. In full –mania, I was not thinking very straight at the time.

Apparently, they found an empty container of Klonopin and another container of something else, on the kitchen counter; I had just filled both prescriptions, and the containers were empty. I don’t know how long I was in intensive care or the psych ward.  The few details I have were from my ex-wife and my daughter.

The doctors didn’t think I was going to recover. If I did recover, they thought I’d never be the same.

The nurse told me that people came in around the clock to pray over me.

How do you cope? I don’t much of time. I stay home alone mostly. I write and post process my photos. Even these things are beyond me sometimes.

The scriptures below show what happens when we trust in God. The Battle is His.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.”

Read: 2 Chronicles – 20:1 through 20:29 – It’s a good read.

Father you are God; I will praise you above all. Lord I pray your will be done in my life. It is yours to do as you see fit. I know that you only want the best for me. Forgive me my sins; you know what they are. I pray that you will meet my needs for the day. You know temptation is a constant struggle for me; keep me from straying. Show me what I need to do for you today, Lord. To you be all glory, honor and power. Amen.

5 thoughts on “The Battle for Sanity

  1. As far as I can tell because everything is changing nothing is real, its all an illusion. Lao Tzu said: “There is no illusion greater than fear.” I feel your pain, I really do. I’ve had a shotgun to my head, overdosed into a coma a while back and am as bipolar as an alcoholic on cocaine, possibly because I was one. You take care and know that the only one that can save you is you. I know you believe otherwise so if that helps use it.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s